


Numb

by LadyGerbilLuna



Series: Avengers: The Sounds of Life [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FRIDAY loves her boss, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Steve Rogers, Protective Vision (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 01:29:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10232657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyGerbilLuna/pseuds/LadyGerbilLuna
Summary: "I've become so numb, I can't feel you thereBecome so tired, so much more awareBy becoming this all I want to doIs be more like me and be less like you"Numb, by Linkin Park





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please read: Trigger Warnings!!!  
> Cutting and depression play important parts of this story. This feels like a rollercoaster of emotions. Please be advised. 
> 
> Lyrics by Linkin Park, indicated by ~~

~~I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface  
I don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes  
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow~~

It was a list of disappointments, Tony realized. Just one after the other, never ending. 

He swirled the bourbon in his glass, watching the liquid form a small whirlpool. 

“Boss, I don't think that's a good idea,” said FRIDAY. 

“No, it's not,” he agreed. He didn't drink it, but he didn't put it down either. Slowly, he walked to the window, staring out at the endless dots and streams of light. 

First came his parents. His mother, distant in a way, and his father...

Oh, his father. Brilliant, yes. Did many good things in life, yes. But show his son some affection...

Tony sighed. He could remember how hard he studied, how much work he put into his projects, his heart and soul, and how carelessly Howard brushed it all aside, how angry he became when Tony interrupted...

What of the many people he slept with? The drunken mistakes he made? 

What of Rhodey, who had witnessed him drunk many times, who watched him nearly destroy himself over and over and saved him? 

What of Pepper, who he made cry innumerable times, and couldn't even stand to be with him? 

And the Avengers...

He remembered how they began such a rocky start, how Steve...

The arguments, the pain of rejection from not just a truly good person, but of his childhood hero, Captain America.

Natasha, who thought him a sociopath...

Bruce, his brother in science, that he couldn't even help...

Clint, and Wanda, and Vision....

And then right when he seemed to be getting through to all of them, their Civil War...so many people to fail...

Anger, Tony knew, made people irrational. He could admit that, after time. A person could forgive, but the scars left, and not necessarily the physical, could forever return to ache, to fill the mind with what-ifs, could-haves, should-haves, those longings for just one word different, one action less...

Tony turned, and threw the glass hard enough to make sure it shattered against the wall. Slowly, as if he approached a large tiger, he approached the mess he made, and knelt. 

No matter what he did, all they could ever see was a man, a smart man, who threw money at problems, who was careless, who could never love...

He could throw himself in front of danger, and they would never know that he really cared...

That he loved them.

He loved Steve.

“Boss, please don't...”

He studied the glass shard in his hand, contemplating how the light shown, like tiny rainbows in clear ice, so cold...

“It's not like I'm going to kill myself...”

~~By becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you~~

They all laughed as Sam cursed, throwing the controller, as Bucky beat him in Mario Kart. 

“You are such a fucking cheater!”

“I didn't cheat,” said Bucky, grinning.

Natasha brought in a few bowls of popcorn, and Steve checked his watch. Almost time for the movie, and, once again, they were missing one member. 

“He's missing,” said Clint, not actually saying the 'again,' but definitely thinking it, as they all were. The ice that remained between them after the War had melted, still leaving a frost. But they were all trying, at different degrees. 

“He said he'd be here,” said Natasha, her whole body tense. Steve knew that she had taken it upon herself to watch over their brilliant inventor, who had the tendency to forget that taking care of the team meant also taking care of himself. After they had reformed, the two had spent hours talking

“And?” said Wanda. She received numerous glares for the comment.

Steve sighed. “Wanda,” he said quietly, “I understand that you have many reasons to be upset. But I swear that if you don't start to even try and get along, I will kick you off this team so fast, your head will spin.”

Wanda gaped at him, clearly surprised that he actually said something. He wanted them to get along. He loved his team. He had missed being all together, and now that they had this chance...

“FRIDAY, where's Tony?” he asked. 

“Boss is...in his room...”

Natasha, Steve, and Vision shared a look, then, without a word, they moved to the elevator as one.

“Stay here,” he ordered the rest of the team. 

“This may be a bad idea,” said FRIDAY, even as she took them up. 

“Did he drink too much?” asked Vision.

“No.”

They waited for a moment for some sort of elaboration. The sound of the doors hissing open broke the silence. 

Steve was surprised when the door opened. Slowly, he opened it, not sure what to expect.

Tony sat on the floor with his back to the window in darkness, the moonlight shining down on him. Steve slowly walked in, and only paused for a moment when Natasha squeezed his arm hard. She tilted her head, indicating the shards of glass on the ground.

“Sir, you are injured,” said Vision softly.

“Traitor,” said Tony, not shifting from his position on the ground.

“I'd say sorry, boss, but I'm really not,” replied FRIDAY. The lights slowly turned on.

Steve tried to stop the pained sound that came from his throat when he finally saw that yes, there were cuts on Tony's upper arm, and a glass shard at his feet. The sound made Tony raise his head, eyes wide.

“Steve? Natasha? Vision, I get, but why you two?”

The pressure Natasha put on his arm actually made him wince. 

“Tony, did you try to kill yourself?” asked Steve, his throat tightening up. He wasn't supposed to cry, damnit! 

“No. I just wanted the pain.”

Natasha finally let go of his arm, and wandered to the restroom. He knew that she probably went hunting for the first aide kit. Vision stayed near the door.

Slowly, Steve moved towards Tony. They stared at each other, and Steve sat down near the injured side, holding his hand out.

“Why do you want the pain?” asked Steve, gently taking Tony's arm when the man didn't move.

“I don't know,” said Tony. “I just saw the glass, and thought it'd be a good idea. Why are you here?”

Natasha returned with the kit, and sat down in front of Tony, moving the shard away. 

“FRIDAY hinted something might not be right, so...”

Steve blinked his eyes. He had to focus on cleaning up the cuts and bandaging them. Thankfully, they weren't too deep...the others...

He keened, rubbing against the scars of previous cuts. He thought they had been accidents, and maybe some of them were, but some looked too deliberate...

“Why are you so upset? You're not supposed to be upset...” Tony watched him, eyes wide. 

“I care for you!” yelled Steve, and they all winced. 

Natasha carefully took Tony's arm and began to clean up instead. 

“I care for you,” repeated Steve, softly this time.

“I just thought...you guys saw me as some bastard who threw money around to make people happy...”

“You know we thought that a long time ago,” said Natasha. “I had hoped that after everything you've done, you realized we saw you differently.”

“You can't please everyone,” said Steve, when Tony opened his mouth. “But you're doing the best you can, and I can't do anything for you, and I feel so helpless...”

“You're here,” said Vision.

“You're here,” repeated Tony.

Natasha finished bandaging his arm, kissed Tony's forehead, then pulled Vision outside the door.

Steve took Tony's hand, rubbing it gently, before gently tugging at the smaller man, pulling him closer into his arms.

He didn't know exactly what to do, how to make things better. Maybe he couldn't. They would need outside help, this he was certain about, but at least, for now, he could hold Tony.

And maybe, one day, Tony would hold him back...

~~I've become so numb, I can't feel you there...~~

**Author's Note:**

> I have two others running in my head, and they are both happier ones.


End file.
